Uncomfortably numb

When one’s spirits are not high, it is a wise thing to find and use resources to help lift the spirits.  Some of those resources are perfectly healthy, and some are rather vice-ish.

Lately, I’ve been sitting with the fact that I have used self-indulgence as a coping strategy.  It’s been fine, except that now I’m left with some side-effects, and I am not so fine with that.  In surviving, I was not wanting to create another set of problems for myself.  Now I am thinking that tapping too often in to vices is unwise, and something I will avoid in the future.

It is not necessary to make broad, dramatic statements about what I will or won’t do to cope from here on out.  I think I would rather mentally divide my resources in to healthy/unhealthy categories and then think in terms of how often I would like to engage in healthy coping, and how often I/my personality can tolerate some indulgence.

Overdone indulgence left me feeling rather fat and dull.  For the last two weeks, I have been working my way out of fat dullness.  I feel lighter, my brain feels sharper, and I noticed that I have been not only laughing more often but creating humor within myself far more easily than I was during my age of indulgence.

There is room in life for debauchery.  A hint of it can make life rich, but more than that can just make a person who appreciates discipline feel crummy inside.  It’s not about guilt; it’s about moving farther away from who one wants to be.  And that is not a good feeling.

Walking away from the artificial apathy that is created by habitual self-spoiling, however, IS a good feeling.


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